Cracktastic Fic of DOOOOOOOOM!
by SerenityJ
Summary: Total crackfic. TOTAL. LOTS of slash, lots of references to DC Comics, JLU, Superfriends, bri-chan's Alice/Hatter obsession, Disney, Barbie...you've been warned.


A/N: This is total crackdom. The fabulous and most illustrious TBot of Nonsense and myself collaborated on it, to very random results. There is slash in this, so if you are offended by male/male relationships just click the 'Back' button.

Disclaimer: We don't own Fluff, nor do we own any of DC or Disney beyond our comic book and DVD collections. No touchy.

Regular Font: Serenity's Contributions

_Italicized Font: Tbot's Contributions_

Once upon a time, there was a sexy teenager in tights who went by the name of Tim Drake.

_He saved the citizens of Gotham by looking all hot and shit all the time._

Also, he had many gadgets.

_Which he used to keep the streets of Gotham safe in his nightly patrols._

Sometimes with Dick Grayson, sometimes with Batman. And sometimes with Conner.

_Conner Kent, a.k.a. Superboy, also kinda sorta the _not so _secret lover of Tim._

_Nightly patrols with Conner never really went far beyond their favorite rooftop with a beautiful view of the Birds of Prey's clocktower._

One time, Nightwing saw them at it (in midair, no less) and he was so scarred that he had to go be a man-ho with Starfire and Barbara. But Babs was having none of his man-ho-ish-ness, so he tried to solicit Huntress until he remembered that she could kick his ass and the Question could eat him for breakfast.

_While he was propositioning Huntress, Black Canary was wandering around looking for a fight. (See, Green Arrow had pissed her off again.)_

She ran into Darkseid. He didn't stand a chance.

_Meanwhile, Wonder Woman (with her 12 Amazonian babies she adopted) had taken over Apokolips and made it into a day spa._

Aquaman was put in charge of the water jets in the Jacuzzis.

_It involved seven full sized fountains…with no sense of overcompensation._

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, Jason was trying to get into Donna's costume with little success.

_Kyle had given up on Donna and was working his way into Hal Jordan's GL suit in the locker room._

Batman chose to ignore this.

_Not really though as he was watching from a secretly installed two-way mirror._

"Kinky, Bruce, kinky," _said Superman from the chair next to Bruce._

Diana just rolled her eyes. She was visiting from Apokolips just in time for the annual Justice League Barbeque and Potluck.

Atomic Skull had been invited.

_Wally was bringing Giganta as a date. Tala was livid._

Because "The Fastest Man Alive" was anything but in the bedroom.

_"snerk" went Barry Allen. Bart just looked confused._

Jay Garrick did a spectacular facepalm, but his hand went so fast that it went back in time and became the hand symbolizing the dawn of creation in the Oan legends.

_Then the Source Wall imploded and Alfred Pennyworth clapped gleefully._

Then he went off to make some crumpets for the Potluck. He had declined to make sandwiches after Dick and Tim's snarky comments in Trinity. Well, mostly Dick. Tim likes interesting and pretentious foods.

_He and Conner also share a fondness for cheap whipped cream…mmmmm yeah._

Why Tim's with Wonder Chick or Stephanie Brown is beyond me. Oh yeah—there's that whole 'Conner-is-dead' thing, right?

_We don't talk about that, remember? Besides, no one stays dead in the DCU (stares accusingly at Donna Troy, who blinks back uselessly)_

Back at the Legion of Doom, Lex Luthor was plotting to take over the world. Although as far as "rule creation" schemes go, Gorilla Grodd dominated with his infamous 'turn everyone into a gorilla' plan in season 2 of JLU.

_Lex just wanted unlimited access to the internet and porn. Hence, he needed to take over the world. He was a lonely guy, what with being bald and creepy…_

And having more complexes than any psychologist could ever hope to deal with. Luckily, at just that moment, Harley Quinn barged in and pied Lex in the face.

_And the Source Wall (now healed) chuckled._

She ran away before Lex could retaliate, and tried to rob a toy store. She was beaten senseless by a life sized Barbie doll the Toyman brought to life.

_Barbie then dumped Ken in favor of a wild affair with Garth Logan. _(Don't you mean Garfield? As in Beast Boy?) _Shh, yes, I remembered the 'Gar' part but not the rest!_

Somehow I don't think Raven would be too thrilled with that.

_Mmmmm…she got to dress up Ken?_

Nope. So Raven when apeshit, Trigon style, and took out the plastic menace.

Back in Gotham, Rory Ragan was _standing on a gargoyle being all mysterious and tormented and sexy. _

_Batman was on a gargoyle next to him trying to emulate him._

Why they were on the same rooftop is beyond me.

_So the fangirls could oogle, of course!_

Tatters was off trying to hang out with Robin.

Or trying to. Y'see, Timmy was off trying to reincarnate Conner. Or track down the forces of evil. Or make a Fluffernutter sandwich. I forget which.

_Superman then flew to Star City to chill at a sports bar with Oliver Queen._

Who was so weirded out that he invited Arsenal along for the ride. And the Martian Manhunter. Wait, did I just make this more awkward?

_Arsenal asked: men or aliens?_

Everyone just stared blankly as they tried not to think about what would happen if the humans of the world went 'Kill The Beast' on the Fortress of Solitude. Luckily, no one had time to think after Selina Kyle stepped onto the bar after her sixth tequila and started dancing.

_Singing along to the song Stray Cat Strut._

Dinah jumped up to join her, and Ollie covered Roy's eyes as Lois Lane dragged Superman off screen by the ear.

_Ollie then wrenched Dinah off the bar and they hurried off for alone time. Arsenal stared at Selina with rapture._

At which point Cheshire dove in and initiated a catfight. Catman leaped up as well in an attempt to get some action, since at this point Huntress was still having fun with the Question.

_It ended with Blue Devil acting as bouncer and wrenching the girls apart._

This saddened Arsenal. He went off to hang with the Titans, but no one was free, so he and Mia went on patrol instead.

_Mia was among those who stopped to oogle at Bats and Rory._

Wait, but they're in Metropolis—actually Star City is where they're supposed to be, but whatever—how can they be in Gotham?

_Don't question it, they went to Gotham._

Fine. Meanwhile, on Oa, Kilowog was playing Chinese checkers with Guy Gardner.

_Guy was losing miserably as per usual._

And as they were playing STRIP Chinese checkers, he was soon down to his pants and ring.

_EWWWWW!_

Not like THAT!

_Yucky._

Shut up. Moving on to New Genesis, where Lightray was hosting a disco in his basement.

_Orion turned out to be a better dancer than anyone else._

Of course he did! Big Barda was ripping it up as well.

_Scott Free was totally entranced._

Because Scott Free is _le shit!_

Ok now that we've rectified that 'scot free' is an expression…

"_I GOT OFF SCOTT FREE!!" WHOOOOOO!_

…anyways. Blue Beetle, Ted Kord style, was chilling in his lab.

_With Booster Gold…on his _table.

We now join Star Sapphire on her quest to skank up space.

_She needed to conquer space because Huntress had already laid claim to Earth._

HA! So true! But where was Hawkman?

_Pontificating endlessly to a poor victimized class of anthropology students. Jason Blood was chilling in the Oblivion Bar trying _to figure out where the hell Etrigan went.

_To hell, my friend, to hell._

With the Riddler.

_Enigma loves Ricola and Gouda!_

Why?

_Because he can. Does he really need a reason?_

Nope. Meanwhile, back in Gotham, the Penguin's club was opening a new act: Zatanna.

_Whose first magic act was to make B'wana Beast appear._

Whereupon he tried to seduce her on stage. Bane was on hand to hold him back, but Zatanna turned Bane into a Chihuahua because she secretly liked B'wana Beast's crude flirtations.

_We all know he's one sexy Beast._

Zeus was looking down at all this and…wait…nope, wrong god. Zeus was too busy chasing skirt. ARES was looking down and cursing the lack of brawl.

_So he popped down to Earth and punched Hawk (Hank, that is) in the face disguised as Dove (Don). Sexy brother fist fight ensues._

Meanwhile, Vigilante and Shining Knight were at Disney World.

_Chasing after Merlin, because Justin was convinced he was a fraud._

"I KNEW MERLIN, VARLET! THOU ART AN IMPOSTER!" he yelled as he chased the poor actor down with his sword drawn. Vigilante was retrieving Winged Victory from the parking lot for a fast getaway.

_Alice and the Mad Hatter paused in the middle of making out to watch the spectacle._

Vigilante unhitched Winged Victory (who was looking very confused, as small children kept pointing at him and shouting "Mommy, look! Pegasus from Hercules!") and took off, grabbing Sir Justin and hoisting him onto Victory before he could decapitate 'Merlin'.

_Vig made sure to yell back to Justin to hold on tight. Justin wrapped his arms around Vigilante and moved as close as his armor would allow._

At that moment, Stargirl swooped up and tried to race the time-displaced lovers.

_She failed…epically. But Courtney was not one to stay miserable for long. She went out for ice cream with Peter Pan. Wendy was not amused._

Neither was Pat (her stepdad). He was not thrilled with the "Courtney dating" thing.

In L.A., Wonder Chick (or Girl, as she is more commonly known) was chilling with Arrowette. I think they went shopping.

_Buying tacky and ugly sweaters I think._

Don't dis Cissy. She doesn't have bad taste.

_Cissy rocks, Cassie, however, needs help._

It would seem it is about time for us to end this tale.

_Much sadness ensues. The Source Wall cries._

But we shall return anew! Krona is on the loose, you know…

_Um..sure..HSM is next! Be prepared…_


End file.
